What’s the Hullabaloo?

Same-sex marriage. Yes, I said it. Cue the mass hysteria. Kim Kardashian’s marriage lasted 72 days and your parents can arrange your marriage on shaadi.com without you knowing, oh and Elvis can marry you in Vegas, even if you don’t remember it in the morning. But gay marriage? Now here’s something that threatens the sanctity of marriage.  To the 150 000 people who just protested against the legalisation of same-sex marriage in France, this is for you:

Gay couples can’t have kids? Aha! Shall we stop anyone who is infertile from getting married too? It’s too bad there aren’t millions of orphans on this continent alone that can be adopted.

Its not natural? Quite unlike plastic surgery, fake tans or extensions.

Think about all the sordid sex this will encourage? Straight people obviously only ever do missionary. For the purpose of babymaking.

It will encourage other people to become gay? Oh yes, just like all those times I encouraged people to become short, Indian or a girl.

It will influence the child’s sexual orientation? Because no straight couple EVER raised a gay child. That would be absurd.

It goes against the integrity of the instituion of marriage? Britney’s marriage that lasted 55 hours wasn’t a blow to the sanctity of marriage, of course not. Neither was the Eiffel Tower’s blushing bride, Erika La Tour Eiffel’s marriage.

Obviously, this all calls for more protest. It would be unthinkable to protest nuclear weapons, animal testing or the lack of service provision while people of the same sex are allowed to marry each other. Unthinkable.